please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
