I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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