My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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