Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
