We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
