the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
