i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
