Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
