I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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