and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We are all done wearing pants today
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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