Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
