masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
