Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
