Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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