she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
