Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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