Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
