I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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