It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
