guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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