she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
