How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
