She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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