If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
