i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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