the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
