i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
