No stitches, just platelets and will power
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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