Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
