I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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