If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
