My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
