my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
