i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
