I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
