He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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