Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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