Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
