who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
false alarm. still invincible.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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