remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
