you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
