Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize