dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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