I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Randomize
