someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I bet he comes in French.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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