this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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