Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
