i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
