he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
