You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
