The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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