he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drake has all the answers
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
