So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
