Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
