Yo dont text me then not text me
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
