im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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