at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
